Testo You're Smarter when You Smoke - Unknown Comic
Testo della canzone You're Smarter when You Smoke (Unknown Comic), tratta dall'album What's so Funny About Boozers and Users?
Hey, you guys having a good time?
A joke?
Looks like your boyfriend's got one in his hand
Alright, alright, alright, alright
A joke, alright, alright
A drunk goes into a bar, right?
Sees this chick at the bar and he goes up to her and he says
"Hey, hey you, you wanna fuck?"
And the chick says, "What'd you say?"
"You wanna fuck?"
She looks at him, she grabs her purse
She slams it into his face, knocks him on the ground
Kicks him in the stomach, slams her high heels into his face
He's laying there bleeding, he looks up, he goes
"Well I, I guess a blowjob's out of the question"
Alright, alright, alright, alright
Fire department rushes to this club
That's burned to the ground, right?
Firemen, they rush in, they pull out this drunk and he's on fire
They put the fire out and they resuscitate him
And he becomes a little bit conscious
He looks up at the fireman and says
"Hey, how'd the fire start? How'd the fire start?"
And the drunk looks up and says
"I don't know, it was on fire when I went in"
This guy's laying in bed in the middle of the night
Two in the morning, he's laying in bed with his wife, right?
All of a sudden they hear this knock, knock, knock, knock, knock
Somebody's at the door and the wife says
"Honey, go answer the door, will ya?"
He says, "Oh shit, alright, fuck, three in the morning"
Runs downstairs, he opens up the door
Standing right before me is this fucking drunk
I mean he is stinking drunk
And the guy says, "What the fuck do you want?"
The drunk says, "Could, could you give me a push?"
He says, "What?"
He says, "I need a push"
The guy says, "Fuck you" and he slams the door in his face
Runs upstairs, gets back in bed
His wife says, "Who was it, honey?"
"Ah, some asshole drunk, he wanted a push"
"What'd you do?"
"I slammed the door in his face"
She says, "Honey, that's not right
Remember that time last year when, when we were stuck
Our car broke down and those friendly neighbors, they helped us out
You can't, you gotta go help
If he needs a push, you give him a push
That's the only Christian thing to do"
He goes, "Well fuck, alright" and he runs downstairs
He opens up the door, it's the middle of the night
He yells out, "Hey, you still out here?"
In the distance he hears the drunk
"Yeah, I, I'm, I'm still here"
He says, "You still need a push?"
He says, "Yeah, I sure do need a push"
"Well where are you?"
Drunk says, "I'm over here on your swing"
Alright, guy goes into a bar
He says, "Hey bartender, give me five
Shots of whiskey and please hurry"
Bartender says, "Sure"
He pours him five shots of whiskey
And the guy drinks them one after another
Downs all five of them in like five seconds
And the bartender is amazed
He says, "Man, I, I can't believe you drank five shots that
I've never seen anybody drink five shots that fast"
And the guy says, "Well I had to because of what I have"
And the bartender says, "Well what do you have?"
And he reaches into his pocket, he says
"About twenty-seven cents"
Alright, drunk is staggering down the street
He's weaving back and forth
And these two nuns come walking in the opposite direction
And they see the condition this drunk is in
And they separate and they let the drunk walk right on through them
Drunk staggers about five, ten feet
He stops, he turns around, he says
"I wonder how she did that"
Guy's sitting in a bar, right?
Drunk comes in, sits next to him
Drunk says to the bartender
"Hey jackass, give me a beer"
Bartender gives him a beer
Drunk drinks it down
Couple minutes later
"Hey jackass, jackass, give me another beer"
Bartender gives him another beer
This goes on like all night
Every time he wants a beer
"Jackass, give me a beer"
Finally the drunk gets up and walks out
The guy sitting there, he says to the bartender
He says, "Doesn't it bother you that that guy calls you a jackass?"
And the bartender says
"Ah, he, ah, he, ah, he always calls me that
Ah, he, ah, he always calls me that"
Cop is driving down the street
He sees on the side of the road this guy's fucking a pumpkin
He drives over, he pulls the guy off the pumpkin
He says, "You pervert, what are you doing fucking a pumpkin?"
And the drunk looks up, he goes
"Oh my God, is it after midnight already?"
Save some of that for me
Credits
Writer(s): Unknown Comic
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